Here We Go Again

“Really? Did you plan this?” That was the response I received more often than not when I told people about baby number 2. It might seem a little rude, but let’s be honest I chose to tell the world that I didn’t want my child for the first 2 months of her life. I was not offended that people were a little confused or concerned when they learned I was doing it all over again. So I am going to go ahead and answer the questions that I keep getting.

Did we plan this? Kind of. Last time it took us almost a year to get pregnant. While I was calling my doctor to tell her I was pregnant the first time, she was calling me to inform me of some poor test results that may make getting pregnant difficult. Knowing it was likely to take us a long time again we thought we would stop preventing pregnancy. One month later I had a positive pregnancy test. Life is funny.

Am I happy? Yes, I am very happy. I have a daughter growing inside of me. That is amazing. Also, pregnancy makes me happy. I may not have enjoyed the newborn stage, but I LOVED pregnancy. I have struggled with anxiety in varying degrees my entire life. I am not a naturally balanced person. I am convinced that pregnancy hormones balance me out. In fact, Shane would tell you that if we only made decisions based on pregnancy we would have 10 kids. I am a calmer, happier, nicer person while pregnant.

Am I excited? Sometimes. I am excited to have another daughter. Emma Grace has stolen my heart. The first couple months were nothing like I imagined, in a bad way. Now being a mom to my 2 year old is better than I ever hoped. She is creative, energetic and joyful. Yesterday we spent an hour having a dance party to our Seussical pandora station. It was magical. I am so excited to have another one. I am sure she will be a completely different person, but I am also sure that she will bring new joys to my life just like her big sister.

Am I scared? I am terrified. Postpartum depression was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and I pushed a baby out with no drugs. I didn’t want my child. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to take back every choice I had made in the pervious year of my life. I wanted to get in the car and drive away. I don’t want to do that again. How could I possibly be a mom to baby girl and Emma Grace if I feel that way again? I am terrified.

Do I think it will be different? It might be. A lot will be different. My expectations are different. I no longer believe I will hold my baby and the world will stop in total perfection. I no longer think breastfeeding won’t hurt if I do it right. I no longer think that not sleeping won’t be a big deal. My situation will be different. I have friends who will stop by with coffee. I have a big neighborhood to take walks in. I have a beautiful two year old to remind me that one day the baby will sleep for more than 2 hours, smile, laugh and talk to me. Unfortunately it could still happen. Postpartum depression is largely a result of a hormonal imbalance and no sleep. People who have a history of depression and anxiety are more likely to struggle. No expectation or circumstance change can get rid of my crazy hormones. I can be in the perfect situation and still feel like I am drowning. I hope it doesn’t happen, but it could.

One thing I know will be the same is that I still have the same Savior. He still loves me and baby girl. He will not leave me or forsake me even if I deserve it. In fact, I always deserve it but He hasn’t left yet. I have no idea what this time around will be like. It could be better, but it could be worse. He knows exactly what is about to happen, and He knows how He will care for me. He knows how He will care for Shane, Emma Grace and baby girl. I pray that His plan for me is different this time around, but if it is not He will still be glorified and it will be beautiful.

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